A Cesarian Guide Volume 1: How to Be A Pretentious Indie Kid
Hey! Here’s a new little column I have come up with. It’s a guide on how to be yourself, in case you didn’t know already. This will more than likely be a monthly thing, as is the case with my Things That Piss Me Off series, which will be making the jump from myspace to my little corner of the web, Cesaria. The site you’re currently reading. These columns are a satirical way to set myself apart from the competition (read: every other fucking site on the webs.) Okay, let’s begin:
Step One: Swear off mainstream music
You don’t want people to think you like the same music as everyone else, right? That wouldn’t make you unique! What do we do? Oh! Listen to only obscure music! When someone asks you what you’re listening to, scoff and say “You’ve never heard of them.”
Step Two: Let everyone know that you heard about fill in the blank first
An easy way to show your musical knowledge dominance is to let everyone around you know, as often as possible, that you knew about whatever musical act they’re talking about long before they did. It doesn’t have to be true, either, and chances are someone has heard of them before you ever did. Like their moms, for example. This relates to-
Step Three: Once a group has become popular, they suck
This is probably the easiest on the list, and also the most common among pretentious indie kids. To retain that ‘different’ feeling, you must set yourself apart from everyone else. Remember when you went on and on about (band name here,) and then suddenly they hit it big and everyone and their sister was listening to them? Yeah, kinda ruined it, didn’t it? I mean, fuck, if your mom listens to it, it must suck! Right!? You NEVER want to be caught dead liking something everyone else does.
Step Four: “Their old stuff is way better”
Work this phrase into conversation as much as possible. Even if its whoever’s debut album, chances are that there’s some demos before it that were fucking way better. This WILL work with almost any act. All you need to do is plug in the band’s name! Simple, huh? It also ties into previous steps, showing that you liked them when they first came out, but now they suck because they’re mainstream. See how it all ties together!
Step Five: Worship Radiohead
Everyone knows that Radiohead is the greatest band that has and will ever perform. Also, scoff at anyone who says Ok Computer is the best album of all time. We all know Kid A was better. In Rainbows is also a masterpiece.
Step Six: Read Pitchfork
No explanation necessary.
Well there we go, six easy steps to becoming a pretentious indie kid. Being indie is tough and constant work. You must never let your guard down. There are people out there that want you to think that you’re NOT the most musically intelligent person in town. I know, right!? Also, wear corduroy. Everyday.
